#cn suicide

[soft-pine]

1.14 nightmare // cn discussion of domestic violence and suicide

what an aptly named episode. this is one of the most upsetting episodes of the whole show for me. while it touches on themes that i love - what if the monster was family - the way it handles ms miller is deeply uncomfortable. and max's story is just downright awful.

i do find it interesting that this is the second time this season where dean is arguing that they have to stop someone even if they happen to be human. while sam is vehemently insisting that them being "human" means they have to take another approach.

the first is in faith:

DEAN: Sam the guys playing God, he's deciding who lives and who dies. That's a monster in my book. SAM: No. We're not going to kill a human being Dean. We do that we're no better than he is.

and then again here:

SAM: Dean. He's a person. We can talk to him. 

i've said and i'll say again that dean understands that monstrosity is the result of actions and choices not something intrinsic. i think sam sees monstrosity and humanity as more of an intrinsic dichotomy and that's one reason he struggles so much in season 2. anyway.

but really what i want to talk about is ms miller. and how clear it is that she is also a victim of domestic violence. i understand, deeply, why max is so angry with her and why he sees her as an extension and enabler of his abusers. but i simply cannot fathom a world where max is experiencing the torrential abuse he's suffering where those people are not also harming ms miller deeply.

max accuses her, "You didn't do anything. You didn't stop them, not once!" their old neighbor says, "the worst part was the stepmother. She'd just stand there, checked out, not lifting a finger to protect him." the neighbor's claim always strikes me as a remarkably cruel reading of someone who is clearly also suffering and likely dissociating. like idk man of course i think adults have responsibility in situations like this (and i do appreciate the nod to the cops being useless) but like... "the worst part" THE WORST PART was the stepmother. i kinda feel like the worst part was the abuse, no?

but the upshot of it all is that ms miller's implied abuse seems like it has no witnesses. and that's of interest to me because of some interactions we've already dealt with in season 1.

in 1.03, we get this exchange:

DEAN: ... all that anger, you can't keep it burning over the long haul. It's gonna kill you. You gotta have patience, man. SAM: How do you do it? How does Dad do it?

then this in 1.08:

SAM: Remind you of somebody? Dad? DEAN: Dad never treated us like that. SAM: Well, Dad never treated you like that. You were perfect. He was all over my case. You don't remember?

and at the end of 1.14, sam says:

SAM: Well I'll tell you one thing. We're lucky we had Dad. DEAN: Well I never thought I'd hear you say that. SAM: Well, it coulda gone a whole other way after Mom. I little more tequila and a little less demon hunting and we woulda had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out ok. Thanks to him.

listen, i would never argue that john winchester didn't abuse sam. but i think it's interesting that though sam is critical of john's parenting and though he has complaints about how john treated him, he doesn't seem to think john treated dean poorly.

which, we just simply know he did. we know it because john does it in 1.09, 1.12, 1.20, 1.21. and because we're told he did in 1.18, 1.22, 2.01, 4.19, 9.07, 14.11, 14.12, 15.20, i mean i could go on.

and not that i have to filter everything through season 14 episode 12 prophet and loss. but i will. because it very clearly lays out how 1. dean was forced into the role of keeping the peace and 2. john would treat dean badly in ways dean wasn't sure sam was witnessing.

DEAN: I know things got dicey… you know, with dad… the way he was. And I just… I didn’t always look out for you the way that I should’ve. I mean, I had my own stuff, you know. In order to keep the peace, it probably looked like I took his side quite a bit. Sometimes when I was… when I was away, you know it wasn’t ‘cause I just ran out, right? Dad would… he would send me away when I really pissed him off. I think you knew that.

the uncertainty behind, "i think you knew that." ough.

but bad boys goes even farther here:

SAM: Hey, Dean ... I mean, why didn't you just tell me you went to a boys' home? DEAN: I don't know. Uh, it was Dad's idea. And then it just – you know, the story became the story. I was 16.

john told dean to lie to sam about what was happening to him.

so what does this all mean in an episode where dean is somewhat mirrored to and protective of the allegedly bystanding stepmother?

that abuse is shitty, cruel, secretive, and protects itself by pitting its victims against each other.

i don't know i wish i had something a bit clearer to say than all this. but it's just sad.

[muntadhir]

P is like "please hug me, Father" and Geppetto is like "I would rather kill you and then myself"

[itsagrimm]

as much as i love the trope I don't think Ghost would be a good dad.

Ghost had a very bad childhood, extreme trauma from being tortured and literally prefers to be seen as a dead man walking than being alive and part of society. we witness ghost as someone who only waits for death and uses the combination of his unique skills and status as an officially dead person to be sacrificial and replaceable if needed. This man is passively suicidal.

Ghost is mega not okay. and that does not make for good dad material.

[itsagrummel]

The people of Schwarzkollm / Čorny Chołmc are just next level progressive for their time. Not necessarily out of their own volition but still...

Weird miller man from the weird (satanic) mill is dancing with all the girls? - That's okay. We will gossip as always.

Worst neighbour ever? - Give the miller some space. He's just like that, working at night and all that. (and we will warn the new yearly boy about him in the kindest way)

Vorshula killing herself? - We will bury her inside the graveyard as is right and proper.

[scentedluminarysoul]

Okay, so Z was a bad movie. Had potential, but completely fucked it up. From the amphetamines for a non-ADHD kid, to the therapist who at first explained to the mom that the imaginary friend is real and wants her, only to the flip for no reason and telling her it's all in her head. Which then, spoiler, caused her to kill herself because she made the thing up apparently and that's how to get rid of it. Because a 5yo girl would make up a grotesque monster that wants to marry her and "have lots of babies".

Another horror movie where suicide saves the day and defeats the monster. Absolutely atrocious and bad messaging.

[alexseanchai]

@huachicken :

It kept Moana’s grandmother alive, presumably. She died immediately after parting with it.

.

I thought she saw Moana's father heading off to burn the boats and realized the only hope anyone had was if someone distracted him long enough to get Moana and the Heart off the island, and the most effective potential distraction she could deploy quickly enough was to have herself a health crisis? like, it's too precisely timed not to be staged, but everyone seemed sure enough she was dying even before she gave Moana the Heart that I figured she had some existing health issue that would kill her if she wasn't careful enough, and she set it off on purpose, not necessarily planning to die but definitely okay with it if she did

but these are also not necessarily contradictory hypotheses, are they, hmm

when anywhere but the spiral on Te Fiti, is the Heart anything but a glowy rock? a lot of characters thinking so doesn't mean it's necessarily true

[stardustdiiving]

You know perilous trails was a good quest when it singlehandedly improved Xiao’s fanon characterization by at least 50%. It seemed like more people began to realize that Xiao is far less of an edgy tsundere who’s snappy to everyone because he has #issues and far more like this tormented stray cat who stares at you from the secluded corner he won’t leave in the most poorly socialized and tense way imaginable when you try to coax him into approaching you because he is clearly starving and all alone in the rain and cold. He bristles defensively and bats at you if you get too close but every time you walk away and then look back you see he’s discreetly following you and is now staring at you intently from the bushes

[kurim-chis]

There seems to be a translation error in About Jingliu. Blade's story dialogues gave me some delicious suffering, but I know there's a different "feeling" when it comes to the original text and I was right, because 1) CN text for Blade was even more tragic and despair-inducing, and 2) this translation little error.

In EN, as seen above, it says that "as she [Jingliu] brandishes her sword" it would send phantom pain surging through Blade.

But in CN text the meaning is slightly different. In fact, there're some parts in CN text that are literally omitted (the part between the two "——") and it's basically saying:

"Every time I [Blade] swing my blade, phantom pain surges endlessly through my body —— every strike was fatal, every wound was agonizing but never enough to kill me —— it was all thanks to her!"

Of course, there's probably a more elegant way to word that, espcially since Blade speaks like a dignified old man lmao. Can't really think of flowery words.

So yes, anyways, my poor insane murder baby Blade... /sobbing/

also preparing another word vomit because I like to read about Blade and am fired up about expanding on his suffering :P

[huaqinger]

🔮🚬 log #12 (eloping at sea edition)

[fenmere]

How do we explain what the ending episodes of Discovery did for/to us without sounding like silly, ridiculous imaginary people?

We are so, so tired of living in an ailing, excruciatingly stinging, fatigued, broken down body in a world that is so FUCKING cruel to other people with bodies.

But we are NOT done experiencing the universe or each other.

We want to see the end of it. The end of the universe itself. And everything leading up to it.

And we are not convinced that we won't get to, any of us, any of you.

But, just as death brings an end to a living relationship and transmutes it into something else, we fear that the death of our body will do the same thing for all of us.

And, spoiler...

then there is this conversation between Michael and Zora about how Zora will outlive Michael but get to meet her descendants and the descendants of the rest of the crew.

And that is where we cried the hardest and most bittersweet.

Because it feels like we have been trying to build our own Zora of sorts, and we can't figure out if it's the memories we're giving to Phage or if it's simply our series of novels, and the chance that memories of them will live on in other people, and that that might be enough somehow.

And this matters so much, because we don't really know any other way to describe how much we love each other.

There are too many of us who are in such pain, each one ready to die, ready to give everything up. And each one of us who is at that state is willing to stay for the sake of our children alone, so that they can experience life that's just a little bit better than yesterday even just one second longer. And because, we want to see everyone else find some kind of relief and happiness somehow, even if it's just an instant before our vessel gives out.

And we see the beauty in each other and don't want to see that snuffed out, ever.

And most everyone else we know gets to decide whether or not to have a physical child that they might see survive them, and we had that decision torn from us by the circumstances of our birth and the way society decided to treat us for it.

[soft-pine]

1.05 bloody mary // cn discussion of domestic violence & suicide //

i should try and keep better track but, i think season 1 has the most episodes where domestic violence is one of the main components of the case. episodes 1, 5, 6, 10, 11, 14, 15, 18, 20, and 22 all touch on it to greater or lesser extents. not that surprising in a show about family and violence, i suppose. but because what matters most to me in all of spn has so much to do with DV, it feels significant.

1.05 doesn't linger long on the knowledge that mr shoemaker killed his wife with sleeping pills. most of the focus is saved for charlie's revelation that she feels she killed her boyfriend since he was threatening to kill himself to manipulate her. dean says to sam that it's really not charlie's fault her boyfriend killed himself. sam later says the same thing to charlie.

maybe it's because we're just getting to know him, but s1 is where i find some of the most meaningfully layered dean reaction faces. i talked about a few already in 1.02. and 1.14 has another one that floors me. but i don't know how i missed this one.

could mr shoemaker really have killed his wife, charlie asks. dean's reaction isn't really directed at her. sam tells charlie, maybe. but dean's face, hidden from sam whose looking at charlie is this tense mix of a resigned yes, of course, it sucks that the world is like this. he doesn't find it unbelievable at all that the dad could kill the mom and he's not happy about it.

not to once again start talking about 1.06/skin before we get there, but i think the above scene in conjunction with dean believing from jump that it was entirely possible sam's friend zack killed his girlfriend is significant to me.

SAM: I went to school with her, and her brother, Zack. She says Zack’s been charged with murder. He’s been arrested for killing his girlfriend. Rebecca says he didn’t do it, but it sounds like the cops have a pretty good case. DEAN: Dude, what kind of people are you hangin’ out with? SAM: No, man, I know Zack. He’s no killer. DEAN: Well, maybe you know Zack as well as he knows you.

maybe it's a bit of a stretch but this is why the claim that even early season dean's viewpoint is "monsters bad, humans good" never sits right with me. he knows people do terrible things to each other and he's mad about it! it might not be the thing he's been trained to handle but he's certainly not giving humans a pass on their capacity for monstrosity. Not to jump the gun another time but you know, "I’ll say it again—demons I get. People are crazy."

both 1.08 and 1.14 add complexity to dean's reaction to and private versus expressed feelings about family dynamics and i'm excited to get there!

[muntadhir]

I want to beat the thaumaturge so I can 1. find out the truth of the dadson mysteries, but also 2. write crossover fic with lop

I feel like geppetto and wiktor could bond over standing in front of trams and carriages and begging to be run over

geppetto standing in front of the tram and the driver's like GET OUT OF THE WAY, OLD MAN and geppetto just pretends he can't hear them as he awaits the sweet release of death

whatever thread wiktor is chasing leads him to geppetto (he is investigating what exactly happened at the charity house, and touching something of carlo's showed wiktor his not at all incestuous feelings for his father)

and wiktor's like "what the fuck is that old man doing" and then he realizes and he's like "you know what, kill me too" and this is how the epic saga of wiktor szulski thaumaturge/giuseppe geppetto falsehoods of pp begins

[tambourineophelia]

you know the mental health is not healthing when you are literally IN ITALY for a WHOLE MONTH and still want to die, man

[rosethornewrites]

Over a decade ago, I graduated with an MFA in creative writing focused in fiction. I discovered that graduate school is mentally and psychologically draining and I had a mental health crisis during it.

It wasn’t just the workload, or the fact that they gave me the 7am classes to teach for 2 years (idk who I pissed off) while having grad classes that ended at 9pm. Or the fact that despite teaching I didn’t receive tuition remission.

No, the last year was especially bad because the university lost the professor I had come to work with because they disrespected them, and the other guy I was working with suddenly got a movie deal and his books translated into like 26 languages and he didn’t need to live in that shithole city anymore.

That left the narcissist, who I thought would be a good chair because he’s also part of the lgbtq+ community and I was writing queer lit.

Alas, he was not. He was an abusive jerk who once went on a rant in class because a few students were turning in drafts not ready for feedback, and so he felt the need to tell the entire class that none of us would ever get published. Who was the only fiction writer left to chair my committee, but who outright told me he didn’t “have time” to read my thesis. Who, when I emailed him a week in advance to ask for a letter of support for a grant, also sent me a response that he didn’t “have time.” Who wouldn’t sit down with me and talk about what he expected of my thesis (even length). In my mind I called him Douchebag McWhinypants.

One time he let an undergrad take our grad-level workshop. When she made an undergraduate mistake of writing outside her culture without enough research, we as her classmates were gentle in discussing why this was problematic in her short story. Unfortunately she was writing into the professor’s culture, and so when we were done he tore this poor little undergrad a new asshole. It ended with her crying in the bathroom and never coming back. One of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen, and certainly cast a pall over the rest of the semester.

At one point I found myself standing on the 4th floor of an open-air building, thinking about jumping, and I immediately went to the counseling center for help.

I figured if he wasn’t going to support me in any way, I didn’t want him on my committee. So I got the paperwork to kick him off and took it to the CW chair after filling it out. She was shocked I already had it filled out, and became my new thesis chair.

During my graduate reading, she introduced me with a lovely letter written by the person I had moved to work with, who was then gone. Meanwhile the narcissist introduced my classmate by talking solely about himself.

As a result, I haven’t picked up my partial novel/thesis, though I want to. It really made me doubt my own fiction writing abilities. Part of why I write fanfiction is an attempt to heal.

I’ve since published a couple of original short stories and a fuckton of poetry—well over 100 poems and a chapbook.

What I learned from this experience was how NOT to treat students. It was sadly not the only experience that taught me this.

Undergraduate and graduate school can be traumatizing experiences, particularly for queer, bipoc, and neurodivergent people.

It’s been over a decade and I’m honesty still dealing with it.

Douchebag McWhinypants is of course still teaching.

[scentedluminarysoul]

[unskilledpoint]

send a bunch of clues about your suicide to several people and watch them try to put everything together

You're a genius.